So what does your N expect? Your N expects you to be perfect. By the way, conditions for this change by the minute. He expects you to give him endless attention, then he expects you to leave him alone. He expects you to be a sexual object, then he expects you to be unaffected by wanting nothing to do with you. You must figure out and anticipate when it will change. He expects you to put up with every verbal insult, silent treatment, and rage episode he can dish out. But don’t react. Good girls just apologize. You must never be hurt by this. He expects everything you have or will have is his. It’s the price you pay for the privilege of having him in your life. He expects you to believe his lies. You are never to question him. He expects you to anticipate and meet his every need. If he slips up he expects you to join in blaming yourself or others for his misstep. He expects you to do all manner of things that are beneath him to free up his time for more important and pleasurable things. He expects you to flatter him in public and point out his achievements to others. You must be thrilled with any crumbs you receive and praise him enthusiastically. To enhance his image he will treat others better than you. You must not complain about this.
Great expectations: but for you, not him.
You must not only unfriend, but block every person of the opposite gender who has given you attention or complimented you. Never mind that he has adoring comments that are easily explained away, or followers he has had sexual relationships with. God have mercy on your soul if you tried such a thing.
You must do the laundry and cooking. He has more important things to do. Besides, he does so much for you and you can’t even do that?
You must be ok with being accused of unspeakable things and then being blocked and not able to defend yourself. Being called horrible names and verbally assaulted but excusing it, because really it’s your fault for pushing him into a corner. You should’ve known better.
You must be ok with magically going back to how things were before the argument with no apology or remorse. He didn’t mean it, you should know this. He just said it to push you away. How can you still be hung up on being called a dirty lying whore that he was disgusted by and he never wanted to touch again just yesterday? You should know he didn’t mean it.
You should be ok with his excuses and lies. So what if you find messages to multiple other girls talking about how they’d be perfect for him, calling them darling, saying he can’t wait to visit when he goes to a weightlifting meet you were planning on going to together. It wasn’t him, just a crazy ex who hacked his account. His kids have never lived here. But don’t bring them up, you aren’t allowed to talk about “his babies”. You know, the ones he uses as pawns and swears on their lives and lies. Don’t you dare question him, “go ahead, see how that turns out.”
You must appreciate every little thing he does “for you”, even if he’s treated you horribly a few minutes, hours, or days before. How could you not thank him for giving you a car? The one you went and did all the paperwork for and picked up on your own that he never even saw. Never mind you recently found out that he had had another complete relationship at the same time as you, or that he has a new girlfriend while you’re still very much legally married, or that he cheated on you while he was away (and while he was here). You should appreciate that he even thought you were worthy of a car you did all the work for.
You must talk him up to everyone, all the time. Besides, he talks you up. He doesn’t….he does quite the opposite. But he says he does to you. How convenient this works out for him when he suddenly turns on you and shows his true colors. How easily he switches from abuser to victim because of something he’s been setting up all along.
You must be ok with being targeted, long after you’re apart. Because still, everything is your fault. You’re the one who must be controlled and restricted, he’s just the poor innocent victim who got dragged into all this. If you could talk to him he’d find a way to explain it away as loving you.
You must be ok with how he treated you and not tell anyone. Especially not investigators. You should be ok with lying to them because he said so. You should forgot all of the bad, because “what about the good times?”
You must be ok with him twisting events to portray you as evil. God forbid he be exposed.
You must be ok with him controlling your friendships and relationships, where you can and cannot go, even after you’re away from him.
You must be ok with changing everything about yourself for him.
You must be ok with being his pawn.
You must be ok with leaving. Don’t look back. Just leave. He will be desperate. He’ll beg you back right away and turn on a dime. Go from texting divorce papers to begging for your love in 10 seconds flat. He will make it all about him. How hurt he is that you don’t love him anymore (even if you haven’t said it), how hurt he is that you won’t try, how hurt he is that you gave up.
There is nothing you “must” do for him anymore.
Now you can make your own set of Great Expectations.
Move on, do better. The first part will be hard, the second almost comically easy.
Pay attention to yourself. You’ve been not only neglected but put down and mentally poisoned for months. Two words: self love.
Do things you love again. You know, the things you stopped doing for him. Talking about your job, hobbies, activities, friends. Get it back.
Get help if you need it, and you probably will. He will torture you for months afterwards. He will still be obsessed with you. You will have after effects from the abuse. This is normal. There are people trained to help you fight this. There is no shame in this, it’s one of the best things you do for yourself.
Set boundaries. You’ve been through an experience not many have and been manipulated in ways most people never will be. You know the signs and flags. Grow from this and use it.
I’ll say it one more time.
I know you’re probably already trying. I know he always finds a way to come slithering back into your life like a conniving snake. Keep trying. One day he’ll get bored. Or maybe he’ll actually pay attention to his new girlfriend instead of stalking you. All you can do is keep doing you, and keep ignoring him. Ignore his futile attempts to paint you in a negative light. Ignore his desperate actions to hurt you. Ignore his pathetic cries for attention as he tries to pull people to his side.
You’re better than that.
You have your own great expectations, and they’re already miles beyond his.
Pray for the next girl. She’s going to need it.