As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.
I’m sitting outside in the rain right now, waiting to leave for an out of state training I really don’t want to go to. Sitting here in the sea of people and random conversations I noticed a feeling I haven’t had in ages.
Today was amazing in unexpected ways. I got to have my best friend on island back, and I no longer doubt my leadership’s support of me in this situation. I didn’t expect so much good news so soon after my good day yesterday.
Things are on the upswing. Finally. I’ve never been more relieved.
I’ve had some serious lows leading up to today. I knew I would never hurt myself and I would never kill myself, but I had gotten to the point that I understood why people do. The loneliness of being trapped and feeling like no matter what I did I was stuck in an endless cycle of being discounted and not believed. No matter what I did I was perceived as the wrong doer. No matter what I did it kept getting worse.
Somehow through all of that I kept fighting. I was pushed but I pushed back. I fought for the smallest opportunity, the smallest chance, to be heard. I still don’t know how I was able to do that. But I do know there’s no way I would’ve been able to without my people. They’re the only reason I’ve made it this far and stayed this strong. There’s really no way for me to thank all of you, but you made all the difference.
I know it’s cliche and you’ve probably heard it a million times- but it will get better. It won’t be right away. It probably won’t even be when you think you need it most. You’ll have to fight an uphill battle. But there will come a day, maybe as unexpected as it was for me today, when you finally catch a break.
It’s probably a good thing I’ll be gone for a while. There are few things as dangerous as a cornered narc. But I’m not afraid. I am finally at peace. For the first time in longer than I can remember. Probably for the first time since I met him. Finally. Peace.
Keep fighting. Fight for you. You are worth it. You are worth having your voice heard. You are worth catching a break. You are worth getting your peace, too. Don’t lose sight of that no matter how dark it gets: and it will get dark. But that’s what your people are for. Keep them close. Have faith. God has carried me through this situation at every turn. Yes, I had to live through the worst months of my life. But look. Now I am in a place to help others that many never will be because of my experiences. I would do it all again if it meant I could help you.
I know everything will be ok now. God has me, like he always has. I have my people. The tides have turned. Life is good. I am ok. Better than ok, actually. Peace. Happiness. Looking forward to the future. All things I hadn’t felt in far too long. But they are back and it feels like they never even left.
You can do it. Stay strong. Freedom is worth the fight.