Waiting.

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

-Emily Dickinson

Holding all the cards is a blessing and a curse.

Yes, I have the power. I know and have things that will change everything. I have proof of illegal activity. I have proof of abuse. I have proof of harassment. I have proof of stalking. I have proof of adultery.

I hold the cards.

But still, all I can do is wait. Wait for the perfect moment. Watch as he reels her farther in, watch as he cheats on me, his wife, with a married woman, watch as he makes bad decision after bad decision. And I wait. It’s easy, but it’s so, so hard.

I want to get everything in the open now. . .but now is not the time. He reads this. I wish I could tell all of you everything I know, but not yet. You will know soon (I hope), or at the very least- eventually.

I know more than he thinks I do, and honestly I always have. He plays his hand betting on the ignorance and naivety of everyone around him. That may work on new friends and his new love interests (there’s always more than one), but it doesn’t work on me.

I told him once not to play me for a fool. He should’ve listened.

My mom always told me my stubbornness would come in handy some day and she was right, as mothers often are. I almost feel as if my entire life has been preparing me for this moment. I don’t know where I got my strong sense of duty or my intense need to protect others. But I do know my parents raised me to be resilient, to look out for others, to have a clear idea of right and wrong, to be dedicated to things I believe in. I truly think that it was God’s will for us to meet and get married, but not because we were destined for a fairytale ending.

No.

I met him to be one of the pieces in Gods plan to finally bring a predator to justice.

I always thought we were soulmates, and so did he supposedly: since he said it first. But not the kind that love each other forever- more like the kind that knows the other’s true self and has broken the code of what makes them tick. Dare I say I know him better than anyone, save maybe another specific victim. However, he never really knew me, or I would’ve been the last women he’d have chosen as a target.

I don’t say this to be vengeful. It’s merely a fact. What good could possibly come of exposing your true, vile, predatory, nature to someone who has committed her life readily to help others since she was 17? Someone who has John 15:13 in ink on her body? Someone who said she was willing to take a bullet if it meant she could save a life?

He never should’ve tried me.

I will keep fighting, for all of you. It’s hard. I hate it. It hurts sometimes. I want to give up sometimes. But that’s when I’m thankful for what makes me who I am. The resilience. The stubbornness. The duty. That’s when I’m thankful for my support system. That’s when I’m thankful for the way I was raised.

That’s when I’m thankful I’m nothing like him.

He will get what’s coming to him, it’s only a matter of time. Until then I repeat those three words. Silence. Confidence. Patience. Over and over and over again. When I can’t sleep at night. When the anger seeps back in. I repeat them.

Just wait.

Silence. Confidence. Patience.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Silence. Confidence. Patience.

I will keep waiting. I will hold tight to my cards. I will wait until the time is right. I will be patient. I will be immovable. I will defend the helpless and the hurt. I will do my best to be strong when you can’t. I hope you will be too. We can do this together. Nothing is impossible through God, including this. I have all of you, all my friends and family, I have the weight of knowing what giving up would mean on my shoulders, I have the hurt of other women who’ve watched him go unchecked.

What more do I really need?

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