What if’s

Ghosts aren’t the only things that haunt you.

They say not to dwell on what if’s- but in my experience, I dare to say you should. I had my share of what if’s. If I had heeded them earlier, I would’ve saved myself from some of what happened.

In regards to his ex-

What if she wasn’t crazy?

What if when she tried to reach out to me, it WAS out of concern and looking for closure, and not because she was vengeful?

What if the roles were reversed and HE was the abuser?

What if she really was the kind, gentle, caring doctor she appeared to be?

What if when he claimed she was a pathological liar obsessed with ruining his reputation it was all projection?

In regards to outsiders-

What if, even from thousands of miles away, my family and friends really could see through his facade and the only reason I couldn’t was I was already swept off my feet?

What if when people seemed surprised I was with him, I had inquired just a little more?

What if when a friend of his said he had a “colorful past” I hadn’t just taken it at face value?

In regards to him-

What if he wasn’t always the one being cheated on, but was instead the cheater?

What if when I started to notice all the repetitions in our relationship, when he always accused me of “repeating memories”, I had taken it as more of a red flag than I did?

What if I had gone with my gut instead of believing him over evidence the first time I found out he was cheating?

What if when he would push me to the point of tears over nothing it was because he enjoyed seeing me suffer?

What if when he degraded me in one breath and built me up in the next I realized how unhealthy it was sooner?

What if when he pushed me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with, I had just walked away?

What if he seemed so perfect because he had created a false self to be just what I needed?

What if I hadn’t tried so hard for someone who never deserved me?

What if people as evil as him, as evil as all of the “what if’s” being true made him out to be, did exist?

Of course, these won’t be true of every situation. Some people do have crazy exes. Some people have had abusive partners. Some partners do have the passwords to the others accounts, and could message others if they wanted to.

But it’s ok to question. To not take everything on faith. To not forgive and completely forget instantly. To be wary.

Trust is earned for a reason. Don’t always give it freely. Trust, but verify. Know your limits when it comes to pushing that line before the line is pushed, or better yet, don’t allow it to be pushed at all.

It’s the “what if’s” that keep you up at night, when all is said and done. Be sure you’ve done everything you can to feel secure in the answers to yours.

1 thought on “What if’s

  1. Having been in a relationship of “what if’s” that I wish I’d listened to I LOVE this post Stevie. I only now know that trust is earned. Not taken. Wee too gentle, too kind. It’s a matter of respect from you as much as it is respect given. I know youll learn from this experience like I have—for the better. You’ll be the best version of you, without having the what if’s, because with him it will be right. It won’t be questioned. You’ll know the difference my love. Because you’ve been through hell and learned. And you’ve become all the more beautiful from it. Keep on my dear. Your posts make my day. ❤️

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