I think the hardest part of it all was accepting the fact that the person you cared about was never even real in the first place. People wear masks to get what they want, and once they get it, that mask falls to the floor and you’re left with the struggle of letting go of someone you never actually had.
– We Hope This Reaches You In Time
I’ve been writing this post for a while and finally decided it was done and ready to be read. So I give you, the Portrait of a Narcissist. Not just any narcissist, but mine. If you notice similarities in your own relationship I hope your first thought isn’t that you’re paranoid, but that you instead are able to look at what’s going on unemotionally and make the best choice for you. As always, feel free to email me using the contact at the top of the page if you need someone to talk to.
I remember reading this and thinking it was interesting those were the words he chose. I had discovered he was cheating on me less than a week before. One of the conversations he had with a girl from Instagram (who he gave his number to) had been going on during one of the pictures he posted with that caption.
“This woman’s loyalty…amazes me on a daily basis.”
What was surprising about loyalty? Did he not know it existed because he has none? Was it because I was unfalteringly loyal while he ran around behind my and other’s backs any chance he had, and simply couldn’t fathom being monogamous? Or was it that he’s so sick that laying next to his sleeping partner while messaging an ex was so commonplace to him, that the idea of someone not doing such a thing was incomprehensible?
“I love you”
There is a difference between loving a person and loving to control them. There is a difference between loving someone and loving to have an object to abuse.
“I don’t deserve you”
Oh, narcissist. This was the only true statement he ever made.
He was right of course. He doesn’t deserve me. Or anyone, honestly. It has crossed my mind that maybe him and this new girl deserve each other since both of them are ok with cheating on their spouses, but I know he’s told her just as many lies as he’s told me. How do I know this? It’s simple actually:
No one would choose to be with who he really is.
Every time he’d tell me a despair filled story from his past, or how someone from before had broken his heart or wronged him, or abused him and hurt him, he’d always follow it up with- “…but I don’t want your pity”.
Oh, narcissist. He has it.
I pity him greatly.
A “man” who barely deserves to be called a boy, so unable to make moral choices that he manufactured a fake life.
A boy unable to have real love, because he’s unable to give it.
A boy who incessantly craves attention from anyone and anything, to the extent that he will never have an actual soulmate.
A boy so unable to change or see the fault in his ways, that the only way for him to get a good woman is by lying about every piece of him.
“I’ll spend forever trying to”
So, if he’s as great a man as he claims to be, why is it exactly that he’s stopped trying? I have countless messages like these: insisting that if I just wait, I’ll see. I’ll see him change. I’ll see that that person I got a glimpse of at first, but now see as a whole- who he really is- isn’t him. All the messages insisting marriage was so sacred to him. Even if we divorced, he would never move on because in his and Gods eyes that would be adultery.
Curious. The things he told me.
I suppose “forever” arrived months ago, then, when he found his new married lover. Interesting that he made an entire series of posts about God’s view of divorce when it benefited him, but didn’t skip a beat while jumping to an adulterous relationship. What does God say about that, pastor? Or was that a fake dream created for me, and now he’s a yogi who believes in aligning chakras and studies religion only as a way to broaden his horizons?
Curious. All the fake promises.
Did he think I wouldn’t catch on? Did he think no one else would? Does he just live his life in a constant state of hoping we wouldn’t notice?
Curious. The lack of foresight he possesses while also being so tedious that no one will discover his plans.
The cancer. That always comes and goes so conveniently depending on what’s happening in his life and relationships.
There’s the time he “went to Texas for radiation”. How did he think no one would know he was actually at an army leadership course, and only shaved his head for show? More so, how did he think his fiancé wouldn’t notice the new girlfriend he got there?
There’s the time he “went to Texas to get a lymph node removed”. How did he think I would never hear that version, and that she would never hear the truth that he was really in Hawaii Kai with me? How did he think she wouldn’t notice the bandage he merely pretended to need, or that he didn’t have an incision site?
There’s the “tamoxifen he was taking”, that no one has ever seen. How did he think a caring girlfriend wouldn’t notice he flushed something else instead of the tamoxifen during a fight? (Since she wanted him gone so bad, he’d just “speed up the process”). And how did he think she wouldn’t notice the bottle he tossed in the trash afterwards was for oxy instead?
There’s the surgery he went through with me. How did he think I wouldn’t notice the paperwork said “gynecomastia”, and no mention of cancer, or even a tumor? An interesting story to tell a medic with hospital experience…a dangerous bet. Although he did have me on his side for a while.
There’s the time he “had to go to the cancer treatment center in Chicago”. Or so he told her. How did he think she’d never find out he was really spending that time with me, and meeting my family so he could ask my father’s permission to marry me?
How it conveniently came back for the grand total of 2 days when he needed to think of an excuse to “push me out of his life so he wouldn’t hurt me”, when it was really because he didn’t want me to find out about her. It was a valiant effort- but I already knew.
No cancer treatments. No oncologists. No one allowed to sit in on appointments because he “didn’t want us to see him that way”.
I know his response already. Accusing me of searching his records (because he’s already accused me of that before). Panicking and saying it’s a federal offense to look without a medical reason and it’s a HIPAA violation. Grasping at straws as if the only way I could come to hypothesize that his “cancer” could be fake is by having the paperwork in front of me.
Oh, narcissist. What a world we’d live in if everyone was as ok breaking laws and bending morals as he is.
No. Of course I didn’t look. I can’t “prove” it by his standards- official forms in black and white. But I can get information out for others to hear and allow them to make their own conclusions. Again….does he really expect to always get by on nothing but the ignorance of those around him?
So much pity, for such a lost soul.
Speaking of souls.
He always told me he believed in the ability to lose salvation. In fact, it was a disagreement we had once since I believe “once saved, always saved”. He labeled me a wolf in sheep’s clothing and a false prophet for that.
Curious. But I digress.
How does someone who breaks not only mans law, but God’s also, expect to make it to heaven? They’d have to have the selfish and twisted view of Christianity that he does. Believing in forgiveness and grace, but for the purpose of being able to live his life with loose morals and to abuse grace as a ticket to a clean slate with no actual repentance or remorse. Without even the backbone to not repeat the sin itself. Viewing the past as 5 minutes ago when in relation to him, thus being unfair to hold it against him- but shaming and abusing me over things that were perfectly fine, only twisted by him, from 3 years ago.
Curious. The dismal and lonely existence he chooses for himself.
What a life of repetitions he lives. I wonder, does it get tedious? Pretending every girl is his “fourth”? Pretending every place he goes with her is “their” place? Pretending every nickname he calls her is just for her? Pretending he’s exactly what she wants instead of a leech waiting to latch on and drain her of everything she is? Does it get tedious finding a completely new set of friends once they start to catch on? Blocking everyone who knew his last girl as if that means they wouldn’t know about who he cheated on her with and then began to date? Does it get tedious re-using the same old pictures of him with his boys and pretending they’re new and current? Making up excuses as to why no one here has met them? Does it get tedious being either pitied or hated by nearly everyone who’s known him for more than a year?
I do wonder.
Curious. The way he craves attention and admiration.
I wonder who else knows he bought all those followers when his profile suddenly jumped to 5k, and then 15k. A grown man, spending a few hundred dollars to look popular. The Instagram story he made afterwards, in which he fabricated entire scenarios. People asking about his life, if he coached and whether or not he was taking clients, where he goes to church, trying to “slide into his DM’s”. How the sudden jump in popularity was due to his borderline blasphemous divorce study in which he gave a whitewashed admission of a small percentage of what he’d done to me, only to turn around and put the blame on me for being a bad Christian for leaving an abusive and damaging relationship. Buying views and likes for a specific post, so it would look more believable. Then, when I made an ambiguous story about how some people think no one knows they bought their followers….how quickly he recanted. A cover story about how it was “spam” and “bots”, as if he hadn’t just pretended they were all real people interacting with him. Of course, I couldn’t call him out without consequences- even if no one knew I was talking about him. No. So then he bought followers for me, to make me look like a hypocrite. Interesting, the levels of immaturity he showed while accusing others of the same.
Curious. The reckless way he lives.
“Spoiling” his girl with expensive dates and trips, paid for with money he doesn’t have. Using loans for a weekend getaway. Borrowing from her to afford his vision. Having to be bailed out by his partner with excuses like telling her his government travel card wasn’t working, when he really just needed money for a rental car to drive to see my family (and couldn’t even use the card on that trip anyway since it wasn’t military related). I even offered to pay for it….but he chose instead to take it from her. Under the guise of paying for it himself, of course. How he used her credit card since he can’t get approved for one: I wonder how many of our dates she paid for? How he conned a coworker into taking a 24 hour shift for him (since he wanted to spend time with his children before his surgery…interesting, since they weren’t even here) with a promise to pay her $100, which he never did.
His complete disregard for his own possessions. Not thinking twice before tearing a shirt, throwing things away, or breaking something. No second thoughts when it came to spending.
Curious. The way he abuses his position.
As a coach at a CrossFit gym: conning them into sending him a cancer care package that time he pretended to have radiation while he was in Texas for ALC. Having a completely inappropriate relationship with a 16 year old girl he met at another gym, while with a girlfriend. Or was she 15 when it started?
As a leader in the military; sleeping with any subordinate who would let him and sometimes promising more.
Oh, narcissist. What a mess he’s become.
I do still pray for him. That maybe one day he’ll realize how pathetic the way he chooses to exist is. That maybe one of the church services he goes to that he pretends to pay attention to will get through to him. That maybe one day there will be a girl who can convince him to be a decent human. I pray for his soul.
But mostly I pray for the souls of the poor other girls he hunts in the 30 seconds she isn’t looking, the 20 minutes it takes her to get ready for a date with him, the hour she naps next to him after taking care of him, or the days she’s at work. I have wondered how he possibly has the time to find so many girls to be involved with it at once. But I suppose when the whole purpose of your existence is being worshipped and admired, you don’t have time. You make it.
Unfortunately, unless his narcissistic glasses come off- he will never change. He will continue to repeat the same dismal life he always has. Always searching, always lying, always faking.
Oh, narcissist. I pity him.
I suspect he may take this as me wishing I had him back, since he seems to not be able to fathom the possibility that he isn’t wanted.
He’s not. Not by me.
In fact, the real him isn’t wanted by anyone.
I pity him, but I also pity her.
I know they’ve already had fights. He’s had to act desperate and caring to get her back (or manipulate her into begging him back, his preferred method), only to abuse her into wanting to leave again. He’s attacked her over normal responses and actions, and shamed her into apologizing for his own reaction. He’s given her “my” nicknames, taken her to “our” places, told her “our” life goals- but all as if they’re special and unique to her. Her instagram followers will drop; since his girl can’t have outside attention, even if it’s innocent. He comments on posts that get too much attention: a subtle reminder she belongs to him. Her smiles will seem more forced. Her spark will be dim. She’ll wish for the life she had before she met him.
Poor girl. The life she’ll have in a few more short months. I wonder if she knows he already has a backup.
I love who I am without him, by the way. He beat me down, but all that did was remind me of the reasons I love myself and the things that make me good. I know how strong I am now. I know what I can survive. I know what I never want in a partner again- I have quite the list.
I love this me, and I’m glad he’ll never have a piece of this version. He didn’t deserve me then, and he sure as hell doesn’t deserve me now.
I won’t wish him luck or for his life to improve. Everything that is coming to him is well deserved. I almost tend to hope it gets worse. Because at some point, at rock bottom, he has to be able to see the flaw in his ways, right? A question that will probably never be answered. For his sake I hope it is, and one day he does fix this mess he’s made. I am glad, however, that he isn’t my problem now. I gladly passed that torch to her.
I wonder if he remembers Ever Accountable. The app and website he decided to get to show me how committed he was to changing. To convince me to trust him. The one that tracks all of his internet usage and searches.
I could still see it. I have this whole time- until he finally realized just a few weeks ago that it was still active.
I can see searches for translating words to Spanish, to convince his new girl he speaks it.
I can see purchase history from Share Supplier, showing him buying the followers for himself and the retaliation followers for me.
I can see he bought her a nearly $700 plane ticket, while paying nothing towards what he said he would for me (or towards the divorce he needed to even be with her publicly).
I can see his weekend trip over New Years for her and the boys, that he needed a travel loan for.
I can see him searching how to get a car and dogs shipped to Hawaii. I still hope for her sake she isn’t considering moving here for him.
I can see him looking this blog up multiple times a day.
I can see him looking up my Instagram, since his profile was blocked.
I can see him searching her husband.
I can see him searching himself, to make sure none of the numerous previous infractions under his old name have followed him. Does she even know he changed his name?
I can see him searching his ex, who has a 5 year restraining order against him.
I can see him searching my Pinterest and Facebook.
I can see him scrambling to sell things on Craigslist (gifts from exes, ironically) to have money for when she visited recently.
I can see him searching my ex.
I can see him searching what he thought was my license plate, and my car make and model dozens of times because he thought he saw me with a man. Searching “buy, sell, trade” and craigslist to see if I sold it. Oh, narcissist. He’s the cheater here. Not me.
I can see him searching if it’s legal to post screenshots of a text conversation without the other persons consent. It is. No identifying information. No names. I know it’s about him, he know it’s about him. The rest of you merely know of him as a narcissist. It’s frustrating for a narcissist…not being able to control their victims. Not being able to silence me for telling others what he did. That isn’t libel or slander either, by the way, which he also looked up- that would be spreading false information. But the things he’s said about his ex? That is. I would stop, if I were him.
I can see into the mind of a narcissist, and I can honestly say it’s darker than I thought.
Curious. As I said, how tedious and reckless he is at the same time.
If you’re reading this, new girl, you should know our divorce was finalized 5 days ago. I wonder what he told you the reason was for suddenly being able to go public on Instagram? Because he had told you months ago that he was divorced. Interesting, isn’t it? The inconsistencies.
Always careless. The divorce is final, yes, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s the subject of three separate military investigations- one of which includes adultery. It’s quite helpful to have documentation of their relationship starting on September 30th, when he didn’t even know whether or not I had started the process yet.
Ah, but new girl….this is exactly what he needs. Just another thing to hold over you when it inevitably comes crashing down. How he risked it all for you, how he couldn’t bare to hide anymore and needed the world to see you, how he doesn’t care what happens to him because at least you’ll be together. Unless of course, you don’t even know he’s under investigation at all. If that’s the case, I am sorry you had to find out this way.
I hope you’re prepared for the manic phone calls and suicide threats when you try to leave, and that you have a support system to help you get through it. I hope you’ll be strong when he tries to coerce you to stay because he’s given up so much for you, and you can’t even love him. I hope you realize anything he promises you to get you to stay just a little longer will be much more enjoyable alone or with someone else, at another time, after you choose to leave.
I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you aren’t special- just like I wasn’t. None of us are. We all get the same captions, the same quotes, the same promises, the same life goals, the same “firsts”, the same nicknames.
I hope one day you find someone who truly values you and sets you apart. All I can do is assure you that he is not that person.
I can’t say I’m glad to have known him, except for the strength I’ve found within myself because of the abuse I was subjected to by him. I hope one day he makes right all his wrongs- although that would be quite the undertaking. And as he has so many more girls to find and scar, I doubt he’d have the time for apologies and change. Such things are trivial compared to his addiction to attention.
I don’t hate him. I am a Christian. So despite what he’s done to me, I don’t wish him pain and despair or hate. But I do rest easy knowing God will judge him according to his deeds- and that is a thing I am glad to not have to witness.
Its a scary thing, isn’t it? A glimpse behind the mask. I hope you never have to experience it, but if you do- I’ll be here for you. As will the rest of the survivors, the fighters, that made it out the other side. There is life after abuse, and it’s even better than before. Give yourself the chance to experience it.