Some people will only come into your life to show you what love is not. And when that happens, I hope you know when to walk away
There comes a point where a narcissist will do a complete 180. In my experience, this happened when A) I was the one who chose to leave, or B) he needed me to not contact him for a while because he was doing something he didn’t want me to know about, and could use his made up scenario as a reason to be upset enough with me to block me and go no contact. I’ll go into more detail on B at another time. This post is about the first scenario.
The screenshots in this post are from the day everything began to unravel. I had been messaged from a girl on Instagram (I’ll call her Sara for the purpose of this post) who told me he had set up a date with one of her friends (who I will call Ann). Ann wasn’t very active on social media which made her a good target for him. Sara had a history with a guy similar to him, so she immediately looked for him on Facebook and Instagram which was how she found me. She sent me screenshots of his and Ann’s conversation- him asking her out, setting up plans, and a screenshot of a 40 minute phone call. I found all of this out before I confronted him at all. The following screenshots take place after I asked for the log in to his AT&T account. I wanted to see the phone call for myself so he would have no way to talk out of it. He of course refused multiple times under the accusation of me being controlling.
The “first time” I reference here was when I found the Instagram messages to a couple other girls and a sex invite from him to his ex. He always denied this, however he could never provide anything to back up his version of the story and wouldn’t allow me answers to questions I had about how he said things happened, thus leading to a deep seeded distrust that I was often blamed and guilted for.
Yes, he did this the day I was supposed to go wedding dress shopping….
At this point I had found out the extent of what he’d done while we were together. The thought of trying on wedding dresses made me want to cry, so while talking to my friend at brunch beforehand about the situation (which I almost didn’t tell her about actually, since he had conditioned me not to involve other people in “our business”) we decided to meet with his most recent ex. For the purpose of this blog I’ll be calling her Clair. I had now found out that he and Clair had been dating for about 4 months while we were dating. I also discovered that all the times he told her he was getting cancer treatment were times I was with him instead. Any time he blew something out of proportion to push me away and block me everywhere (and I mean everywhere…often times all I’d have to contact him was by email), he was doing something big with her. Any time he cut her off, he was doing something with me. Everything fit up so perfectly it was actually a relief in some ways for both Clair and I as we finally had some explanations.
The anxiety attacks he mentions here and repeatedly brings up aren’t relatable to this at all. I never had diagnosed anxiety attacks but I don’t know how else to describe it. I would lay awake at night racking my brain trying to figure out how he justified lying to me for so long about the first time I discovered him cheating and tried to look at it from every angle possible to attempt to see it from his point of view. I cried myself to sleep multiple times a week because I couldn’t fathom a way it would be ok to do what he did. He also had a habit of taking an innocent situation, making an off the wall, hurtful assumption about something, and then telling me he couldn’t stand talking to me and that I was disgusting or a whore based on this untrue thing he had manifested in his own head. Obviously I would try to explain what had really happened or attempt to calm him down which would in turn make him berate and verbally abuse me and block me everywhere and give me the silent treatment.
A bunch of pictures of us to “remind me” how “happy” we were….
Notice how quickly he jumps to assuming I had done what he’d been doing for our entire relationship: cheating and looking for attention elsewhere.
Once again, assuming the only way I could leave him was if I had done something, not finding out any one of the MANY things he had purposely and carefully deceived me about.
This is the first in a series of posts I plan on making showing actual conversations between us. If your relationship looks like this: this is not love. This is manipulation. This is projection. This is unhealthy. Do not allow yourself to be treated this way. I know how it feels to be in the fog of daily gaslighting and abusive conditioning, and the conversation I had with Clair that day was my way out. I hope you get the proof you want to get you out too, but if not I hope you can do what I couldn’t and just leave anyway.
As always, if you need someone to talk to or need advice on your situation please email me using the red email icon at the top of the page.