Push and Pull.

This post mentions something I haven’t told many people. I was sexually assaulted by a friend of mine within my first few months in Hawaii. I’ve worked through it and I’m fine now, but if you know me personally I would appreciate it if you refrain from asking me questions about it or bringing it up. As many victims of sexual assault do, I experienced a lot of guilt and shame surrounding the incident. I say this because it’s something he talks about in the following screenshots and was the subject of one of our worst fights because he blamed me for it and always talked about it like it was my choice and I wanted it. Like I said, I don’t like bringing attention to this but since it’s one of the events that shows his true view of women and the guilt/shame games he played I have chosen to include it in this blog.

Thank you for respecting my wishes.

This post focuses mainly on love bombing and trauma bonds. These are tools used by the narcissistic to keep the empath involved much longer than they would usually stay. Included in the first section of screenshots are some messages he sent me, mostly from the first few months we were together. The captions are all from his Instagram and have since been deleted. I screenshotted them months ago because we had a fight and I knew he’d block me and take them down, but I still wanted to be able to read them to remind me how he “really” felt about me- after every outburst (one is shown in the second group of pictures) he’d tell me he didn’t mean any of it and he was only trying to push me away, or that it was his hormone medication (that he wasn’t on, to my knowledge) which caused mood swings.

Love bombing

I don’t have a ton of messages like these anymore. Most of them were during the first couple months we were together and I deleted our texts after our first terrible break up.

These next two screenshots were messages sent to me while he was out with Clair having a going away party before a state meet.

The captions

Things like that are what he told me he “really” felt most of the time. Some of those were posted while we were currently fighting (which by June was very frequently). He always kept up the appearance of us having a perfect relationship and made sure I did too, mostly through the use of guilt trips and manipulation. At one point he had completely cut me off but made an instagram story about “taking care of his woman” by meal prepping for her- it had been such a bad fight and ended in him saying he never wanted to speak to me again, so I genuinely thought he was making that about someone else.

As long as it looks good to the world, and they look good to the world, a narcissist will be happy: no matter how much damage they do to you in the process.

The Push

These screenshots are from a fight we had in June. It started because a guy I met in training commented “😍” on one of my pictures 8 months before, and my ex discovered he was following my personal private page (that I made because he wanted me to post about him). That was how it started at least. There are also a lot of examples of projection here.

“You lied about who you were and pretended to be better than you are.”

“Stop justifying what you were and lying to yourself or you will never really change.”

I “ruined” the hospital by bringing up emails i happened upon to his ex asking for her to come back, saying he loved her, begging her to be a better person by not going out and that it made him jealous, and a sex tape of him and an ex he sent to a 16 year old girl. Even though I was the only person there with him the entire time, drove him there, drove him back, and spent all of my time off work with him- I ruined the entire thing by asking him about the emails.

I “ruined” Kauai by making a joke about going with him to the American Open in Vegas to make sure he wasn’t going to make a pit stop in Colorado to visit a girl he was talking to on Instagram. She had sent me screenshots of their conversation and he had told her he’d be near Colorado then and they should meet up. But of course I ruined the entire trip by reminding him of this.

This is when he mentions the assault, one of the two “guys in the barracks” (the other of which was my boyfriend of 7 months). I’ll go into more detail on that situation at another time when I discuss that fight, but even here he says it like it’s something I wanted to do.

This was always his excuse before Clair and I talked. He had said she was crazy and had all of his log ins and passwords. He claimed she emailed and DMed herself on Instagram from his accounts. Any time we had an argument he would bring this up as me not believing him and being a horrible person for it, even thought it wasn’t true and he was doing it all himself. He also claimed to have been “fake” dating her as a cover for our relationship since because of the military it was against regulation for us to be together.

These next screenshots were the next day when he supposedly had a doctors appointment which “explained” the tirade, even though he had recently told me he felt like himself again.

These are from after I found him out and told him I wanted a divorce. This was his usual way of explaining away his behavior.

There’s a lot more where that came from…at some point, hopefully soon, I intend to make a post of examples of verbal abuse which will be similar to this one in terms of being mostly screenshots.

I hope this has given you an idea of the push/pull tactics used by people like this. If you take one thing away from this post, let it be this:

It is NEVER ok for someone to talk to you that way. It does not matter what they counter it with when times are “good”, if they say they didn’t mean it, if they were “just upset”, if you “make them crazy”. That is abuse, and it is unacceptable.

You don’t deserve to be talked to that way. All of those hurtful things they say to you? That’s what they really mean. It’s important to realize that doesn’t mean that’s how you ARE, just how they made you out to be in their minds. No matter how hard you try, how much you sacrifice, what you give up, what you change, you will always be a desperate, depraved, disgusting, attention seeking whore the moment things go sour between you and your narcissist.

If you choose one thing to base how they really feel off of….base it off the push, not the pull.

I wanted to add a thank you to those of you who have reached out to me about this blog. It really means the world to me to be able to shed some light on this topic, and to even have the chance to help you escape the hell that is abuse. As always, feel free to contact me by the email at the top of the page if needed.

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