This post is short, but to the point.
Diversion is a technique almost always used by narcissists, however any toxic person can use this.
The below conversation took place after he had already left for Arizona. He had been guilting me HARD about how I made him feel unloved and wasn’t paying attention to him. Anyone who knows me knows I posted about us annoyingly often, and I paid even more attention to him behind the scenes. Narcissists are extremely insecure and need an exorbitant amount of complimenting and adoration, and no matter how much you give it it will never be enough. Because of this, I went back to look at his Facebook to make sure I had liked/commented on everything he posted about us (and not about us) to his standards, and ended up finding this video by Rudy Francisco. The video is a poem about how he feels lost without his ex. It was posted on April 23rd, which is the same day he sent a lot of emails to Clair which he denied but later admitted to.
Before this messenger conversation we had been texting about some pictures of me on my Facebook from a company gala I went to on the USS Missouri a year before I even met him. I just moved to a line company to be a platoon medic, which meant I was the only female in a platoon of infantrymen. He always hated this. I went to the gala while single, with my friend who I was replacing as the medic. There were a few group pictures of me with him and some other guys in the platoon. None of me looking slightly in a relationship, or even drinking alcohol. I thought it was resolved, but once I brought up this video he posted for Clair to see (it was public on his profile, which he did with a few things for her) he went back and somehow found more pictures of me that I wasn’t even tagged in. My only guess is he stalked people tagged in the pictures with me and looked back until December 2016 in their profiles to try to find more from that night.
- Before he even replies, I realize what I’ve just gotten myself into by calling him out on something he did on purpose. I’m dreading the aftermath so much I even backtrack and ask him to forget it. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t.
- His first reaction is to project (“now who’s making assumptions”) and to find a way to make me feel bad about the situation (“you just never paid enough attention to look”)
- Then, since I didn’t reply, he guilts me again (“I thought I’d wake up to something loving or sexy or sweet or some kind of real apology”[the apology being for “looking trashy on the internet” and having pictures with a guy even though he was a friend]). And of course, hoping I feel wrong about something I was right about.
- He guilts me again for “bringing up things he didn’t do”…that he did do.
- Me “being a jerk” is calling him out for catching him (just like I was a jerk in Kauai for calling him out on that Instagram girl, and a jerk at the hospital for calling him out on the emails and the sex tape).
- Another favorite arguing tactic of the narcissist is saying things like “choose your next words carefully”, “you better watch what you say”, and “this won’t end well if you reply” after accusing you of things they know you’ll want to defend yourself over. This way, when you inevitably reply because no one likes being falsely accused, they feel justified in cutting you off and giving you the silent treatment since you “should’ve known” and they “warned you”. This is also an example of one of the many ways they force you into a Catch 22 type situation. Either admit to what they said (which is a lie) or defend yourself and get cut off.
- Threatening to end the marriage again, after being married for less than 3 weeks. If you’re in a relationship with a narc and think the constant push-pull and breakups will stop once you’re engaged or married…think again. This is something they’ll always use to try to keep you in check.
- Then their favorite…”I told you if you replied you’d ruin everything, and look, now you did”. Always your fault, never theirs.
- Days after threatening to end the marriage over innocent pictures a year before I met him and blocking me everywhere so my only option was email, he buys me more gifts. Highs to make up for the lows. This isn’t real love. This is love bombing, and it’s a manipulation tactic. Notice how I reply so happily: if I hadn’t, I would be berated for being unappreciative and another argument would begin.
Bonus: I never got any of those palettes. He told me he would give them to me on my birthday, but instead got that fabricated MPO against me so we conveniently couldn’t even talk, much less see each other, by my birthday.
He gave them to his new girlfriend.